Exhausted and Awake

I’d rather be physically exhausted.
To be able to close my eyes and dream,
Peacefully.
But my brain rampages a mile a minute,
With useless information and odd timing anxiety filled with phobia.
I’m mentally fatigued by the feeling of dread, of burden, of who am I.
Am I doing enough
Too much
Too little?
What if I did more today?
And less tomorrow.
Would I even put the balance?
Or would it even matter…
My brain talks all day
With not a word to say
To escape my lips
For you to understand what she’s saying.
It’s all foreign to me
And I can’t translate.
I’d rather be dancing
But she’s screaming about what hasn’t happened.
Why?
We were okay.
Now we’re not.
And I’m sitting for the first time today
But it feels like too long.
I should be moving.
And she won’t budge
A prison
Locked up
Breathe
Even though I forget how to.
I’d rather me sleepy
Because if I was
I could actually wake up.

I Think…

I think the stars have aligned again. Because I can’t get my mind clear. I can’t focus. I can’t breathe. My heart feels empty, but only when there is silence. This is what depression and anxiety does. And it angers me. I want to be doing a million other things. And I simply can’t.

I’m not allowed. I can sit, stare, wallow. No more. No less.

And then it happens.

The stars come back to their rightful place. The sky forms the perfect shape. And I am me again.

Just not tonight,

Overwhelming

The walls are closing in

No matter how many times I close my eyes to open them again

The room is upside down and spinning

I’m in an unfamiliar place

Smells I don’t recognize

Sounds I have never heard

There’s always distant screaming

The floor is gone from beneath me

Yet I am floating

My body doesn’t feel like mine

What is this thing I am holding

Who is this person I see

My mind is unfolding

What it’s like in and out

Overwhelming.

This house wife

No amount of make up will hide the demons that scour my face.

No amount of hair products will contain the demons trying to escape.

No matter the lighting, I hate my face.

No matter the outfit, my body I hate.

But your loving embrace, and heat of passion tear it all away.

In your arms, I am safe. I am free.

I am beautiful, I am sexy.

The only one I can be fully nude, body, mind, soul.

With you

This house wife is whole.

Don’t ask me

Don’t ask me why I want to die
I’ll start laughing and ask you to join me for coffee
But you don’t want to go
You rather not listen.
Don’t ask me why I lay down in the rain
To hide my tear stained face
When you want to say “it’s not all bad”
Just in case
You want to ask me
Be ready for a darkened door
Opening to an abyss
Of monsters and no oxygen
Don’t ask me why I want to die
If you’re not willing to listen
On this dark and empty ride
Where depression has no rules
And anxiety jumps off every roof
Where I’m mentally grabbing at my chest
But have a smile running my lips
Do not tell me it’s not all bad
Because I already know
I’ve held on this long on that note
Do not tell me of better days
I have reached them
I have names
It’s not the issue
No
It’s when the night comes
And the demons roam
When everyone is asleep
And no one to speak
Is when it’s bad
And when I’m alone
Do not ask me why I want to die
I’ll start laughing until I cry.
Want a coffee?
If only you’ll listen.